today i felt what may or may not be a lump,
a mass of too many cells in her abdomen,
a warning and i just hope this is a false alarm because there are already too many cells in too many people whom i care about.

there is no one to talk to. i called an old friend today but it wasn't the right time to say. chris is drunk. lara isn't answering. max lost his phone. karl's eating thanksgiving dinner right now (at midnight!) and there is no one else i can talk to.

i'm the only person who knows

yesterday was a wonderful day. i picked chris up, and after his therapy we went to his house and slept for two hours. i wrote him a long, detailed list of everything i thank him for. we read star wars books. i love him. we are perfect.

oh ALSO my amazing shoes came. they are so good!


fin.

SPREAD DEATH

OH GOD I HATE THIS UGH UGHUGHUHUGHGGHEUR)QU$)$UOWJofpwfuw9fn9r82

i'm seventeen today, word.

critical reading: 710
math: 700
writing: 720
total: 2130

thank fucking goodness. too bad my writing score dropped, but +70 in critical reading and +50 in math! and, YES, i got over 2100, i got at least 700 in each section, hurrah!

YES! Jeffrey won!

yesterday, took the SATs again because i need to get a 2100. phoebe and chris picked me up. chris and i went for a little hot chocolate and shopping and then to MoMA for this "eye on europe" exhibit, stuff from the 1960's, i think it was a member's preview or something?

the rest of this month is going to be stressful. not so much for me directly, but indirectly. chris has to finish his portfolio by the end of october and i know he'll be stressed -- and, accordingly, i will be stressed from dealing with him. i've decided that i'm only applying to Oberlin this year, so i don't have too much to worry about. if i don't get in, i'm taking the year off to prepare a really solid portfolio and intern/work.

i found some photos last night that i'd never seen. going to scan them soon. parents' wedding, my late grandfather..

yesterday christopher and i went to get tea at Alice's Tea Cup
i called lucas' name through his winbdow on the street
cut his hair
ate dinner with his family (amazing, as always)

today chris and i are going to get hot chocolate and see stephin merritt
tomorrow I have the SATs again

i'm thinking more and more about taking a year off before college

i spent most of my day sleeping and feeling inferior to everyone
i drew for the first time in awhile
i continued to feel inferior to everyone
i continue to feel inferior
to many
i am not dressed well enough
cannot write well enough
cannot speak well enough
cannot draw well enough
cannot look well enough

i lack that mysterious, vague and undefinable grace and femininity that i think the ideal girl possesses
that thing you can't quite put your finger on, but it's beautiful and it draws you in to her
i think part of it is in the hair, how it falls in front of her face (mine is cropped too short)
and in her speech her writing her style of dress
her appearance
when i think "feminine" i think of a calm breeze in girl form, long hair that the wind pushes about, open lips, wide eyes

i don't have it, that grace or that femininity or whatever it is, but i want it.

filled with hate!

WOW.

WHY I LOVE MY DAD, EXHIBIT A

today dad and i went to the wedding of some chinese cousin of ours i've never met.

( +7 )

in other news:
i have learned how to put eyeliner on my upper lid
i went to rachel levine's birthday party last night then sat with chris o'toole for an hour
i shaved max's head (so much fun)
more photos to come. the dinner/reception is in an hour.

emails like aim and dual conversations and killing three birds like eating spaghetti. and curling up under warm blankets in a cold room.

this is what my e-life consists of now, sending myspace messags to chris o'toole.

advanced algebra then cat shelter then my cats then sleep today. and some max time.